Yesterday's meeting took away my whole night. It ended approximately at 23:45, and I got back to my dorm at 00:00.
The meeting was awful. I didn't have any shitty time to prepare for that.
Questions and suspicions were tossed to me like spears and arrows.
I didn't have any shield or armor.
I stood there with my frightend eyes full of uncertainty, inexperience and helplessness.
Frustraion's spears stabbed me through.
There was a hole on my belly.
I held my stomach, liver, intestines, gall, spleen, and pancreas in my shivering palms.
Blood was spread all over. I was stained as a sinner.
I was in half coma, half death.
Reality cruelly held me back from the gate of death. I had no where to go, wandering between reality and avoidance.
I am totally an absolute timid coward...
After finishing what I needed to do, such as writing down telephone numbers of possible sponsors, posting posts to BBS, sending mails to Joy from OVF and Yilin from NTHU The Office of Student Activity, who is in charge of this International Voluntary Program, I went to bed.
It was 03:00.
It was a hard night. All thoughts were haunting and echoing in my 'gradually-getting-atrophic' brain.
Thinking of those shits and motherfuckers, I didn't think I was fully asleep.
4 hours of sleep was just like a blink. At 7:00, my god damned alarm screamed weakly.
I smashed it unconciously, it became mute.
I tried my best to pull my injured body up.
Without stretching after taking a hot shower last night (or maybe I should say, 'this mid-night'), my left hip didn't feel that comfortable.
Yet, I still had to get up so that I could go to the ranch before 8:00. It was a weekly routine.
However, during this hard hardness of time, this routine makes me suffer.
Tiresome and exhaustion beat me down, smash my nose, run over my body, give a solid and heavy punch on my belly. I want to puke.
I want to puke out all the responsibilities, promises, proposals, projects, goals, and anticipations.
Even horses cannot make me happy. Is it useful to buy a deaf earphones?
Useless of course. Everything is too late and useless.
I hate myself.
I hate myself being so merciful, so benevolent, so kind, so easy-going.
I disguise in humor. Yet I don't have any courage to speak up my true thoughts.
No one understands my bitterness except myself.
My heart, passion, ambition drains day by day.
This morning's discourse with the coach makes me see through this mist.
Why don't I just frankly admit it?
Why don't I just seperate tasks and responsibilities?
Why can't I find the person who I used to be?...
The dicussion kills me coldbloodedly without let me say my last defense.
At that spot, I was a mute. My tongue was cut, my mouth was sealed, my mind was stuck.
And my heart was dead...
Why do everything have to be so serious?
Why don't we just take it casually and happily?
Why don't we just have pure fun?
Why don't we just deal with matters only about horses?
Why can't I set my studies prior to the club?
Why can't I set my happiness and fun prior to the club?
Why can't I get rid of the responsibility?
Why can't I get rid of the feeling that I am always alone before the enemy?
All I can see is a pure darkness of hopeless and doom.
It is as if the dawn will never ever come.
The dusk of all the hope and happiness and joy embraces the pathetic, sorrowful, sinned humanity.
Someone says sacrifices are inevitable. It's just the matter of priority.
But I don't want to play god, or the role of Jesus. I don't believe in Christian nor Catholic.
Why must I burn myself to light up the others, those who don't even really care about me, or consider my situation carefully?
Why am I the one chosen to be sacrificed?
I am not a philanthropist. Why must I be benevolent?
I want to be evil. I want to bad. I want to be rebellious. I want to be wicked.
I want to be fucking unique and beyond the pathetic human nature.
But I am just too timid and kind. I cannot resist myself caring about others' thoughts.
I myself is the typical case of pathetic human nature.
I am the perfection of paradox.
Let's see how worse frustrations can toture the typical case of pathetic human nature.
Let's see how bloody a human body can be dismembered.
Let's see how a wanderer without aim, thoughts, and future can breathe before breakdown.
If I can greet, I will greet with unconsciousness.
If I can speak, I will speak discourses of gloom.
If I can chat, I will chat words of dullness.
If I can smile, I will smile dimples of sorrow.
If I can laugh, I will laugh laughter of pretense.
If I can scream, I will scream shrieks of despair.
If I can weep, I will weep tears of blood.
If I can walk, I will walk steps of hopelessness.
