Half Dust, Half Deity: October 2011

脹氣

不曉得是中午吃麥當當太油膩還是晚餐自助餐的過貓不新鮮，導致今天晚上在圖書館試圖努力讀書卻淪於脹氣不舒服完全沒效率的下場。最後花了一個小時寫完應該要半小時寫完的居阿姨申論作文。但是至少有完整地寫完，自認組織和用字遣詞還可以。反正至少有練習到批判思考和邏輯分析能力吧。明天下午沒課，須好好把握，畢竟禮拜六早上就要赴沙場了。

8 / 13 / 17

The above figures indicate 3 events I'm going to encounter in November. 3 transitions, to better or worse I do not know, but they all signify a start or fall of something. Something that lead to a muddling future.

I just keep wondering what is the purpose of relationships. Being bound to an individual that you feel mentally (and physically) attached to. Love? Love can be defined in several ways. My life lacks relationships, but not love, I guess. Friendship is built on love. Parenthood is build on love. I love the nature. I love animals. So what is love exactly? It depends on what do you think of love. Linked to someone for a very long time, sharing, growing, and learning with each other. Love? Love.

But I just have no stronger feeling than admiration and appreciation. Maybe I do, but I feel no necessity. I can't understand. I am so confused and this keeps bothering me. Am I a freak? I am sentimental. I am sensitive, but above all, I love everything as equal. Maybe that is the reason why I cannot feel a love between human beings.

Yet sometimes I keep questioning myself whether it is due to my timidness. I am afraid to try in relationships. I am avoiding something I do want to face. I know exactly what I am avoiding, but I mask myself and refuse to talk about it openly.

Sorrow is Knowledge: they who know the mostMust mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth,The Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life.

----- LORD BYRON, Manfred

Sometimes it is just not that easy to face a truth; maybe that is the purpose of God's existence.

So I project myself and find comfort in my favorite movie so far: Into the Wild.

Christopher McCandless: Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

That is the quotation I can think of when I am questioning. Maybe be I am that some people who feel like they don't deserve love. Yet my parents love me and I love them, too. Is it because I am just so accustomed to live an individual life? So used to live on my own.

And then I read this and saw it reflected it again on the them of Into the Wild:

There is pleasure in the pathless woods,There is a rapture on the lonely shore,There is society, where none intrudes,By the deep sea, and music in its roar:I love not man the less, but Nature more,From these our interviews, in which I stealFrom all I may be, or have been before,To mingle with the Universe, and feelWhat I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.

--- LORD BYRON, Childe Harold

Isn't Nature the greatest artist?

If It represents the fairness of the universe, why should there be something we are so hankering for outside of ourselves?

(Taken on October 7 2011 || Copyrights @ Karina Sun)

I don't know.

I don't know...

Maybe there are only expeditions that can help myself from this perplexed situation. Sometimes I am so tired of struggling to think. Sometimes I feel I own a heart of superannuation.

So I try my best to fill out my empty schedule. To force myself not to think too much about the future. To arrange everything that might be good for my future. To avoid everything I want to avoid at current.

I am starting another trip on November 9. It won't be long, but it will certainly be fresh and new.

Will a new self be born?

A question unsolved.