累斃了

上篇英文版還是無法紓解我內心情緒
來篇白話簡單易懂的中文版...........

禮拜四晚上+禮拜五晚上的睡眠 = 10小時

禮拜四晚上開完會,筋疲力竭,靈魂都要飄掉了

然後禮拜五早上,整個人在只睡四個小時的情形下被譙
而且被譙的的點還是因為某人留下的爛攤子...........

被譙後還要去幫他擦屁股

以全體利益來說,當然只能硬著頭皮做下去
以我私心來說,我才懶的理咧......

為了社團事務我錯過了一輩子都會遺憾的事!

還有臀部拉傷到現在連坐著好好的打作文都不行!!!!
連好好的躺著睡也不行!!!這種生活還要持續三、四個月!
上課痛苦、下課也痛苦,就算放假也要操勞其他事

他媽的我到底為什麼要這樣?

我本來就挺自私的,我只喜歡我喜歡的東西
我只做我想做的事;我不想做的事就是不想做

要我做我也只會隨便做

我現在就是要耍脾氣,把所有的錯都丟到這個原因
因為我現在非常不高興,非常沮喪,非常憤怒!


真的為了社團什麼都可以犧牲?一個人燃燒,照亮別人有屁用?
你付出的對象完全沒有感覺,有何屁用?

從開學到現在,我功課進度可以說是完全拋之腦後

他媽的,老娘參加社團只是為了興趣而已!
說我自私也好,我管你的!我就是自私,我就是狹隘,我就是不負責!
我就是只想做我想做的事!!

為了社團,功課拋掉,這不是本末倒置是什麼?
說我可以學到東西,學到又怎樣,我可是犧牲我的課業!
說能從課業上學到的不重要,但是我所學的是我喜歡的!
你要我做的是我不喜歡的!

從開學至今:

  1. 英國文學閱讀進度我只完成10%
  2. 27號要考日文兩課單字 + 計數詞
  3. 禮拜二要交占總成績10%的 essay!
  4. 還要去 tutor 語言教學導論的學妹,這個還要寫教學報告
  5. 還要觀察某堂語言課程,並寫報告!
  6. 還要語言教學導論的一堆講義!
  7. 中級英聽還要考試
  8. 口譯也要準備,還要寫作業

零零總總加起來,我想請問我還留多少時間給我自己????

我還留多少時間讀書寫作業?

我還留多少時間睡覺、回家?

我他媽的從開學到現在都還沒回過家

我不是住高雄也不是住屏東也不是住花蓮

我住台中而已



現在還要煩惱租房子的事
就連現在,這個當下,我還必須站起來打字,因為我根本不能坐超過半小時!
情況糟的話連坐的都不舒服!!

幹,都這樣了還想怎樣?
你還要我做什麼?
我他媽的連坐都不能坐了你還要我怎樣??

靠盃咧,我都沒辦法坐著讀書、寫作業,幹!!!!!!

The last breath before breakdown

Yesterday's meeting took away my whole night. It ended approximately at 23:45, and I got back to my dorm at 00:00.

The meeting was awful. I didn't have any shitty time to prepare for that.
Questions and suspicions were tossed to me like spears and arrows.

I didn't have any shield or armor.

I stood there with my frightend eyes full of uncertainty, inexperience and helplessness.

Frustraion's spears stabbed me through.
There was a hole on my belly.
I held my stomach, liver, intestines, gall, spleen, and pancreas in my shivering palms.

Blood was spread all over. I was stained as a sinner.

I was in half coma, half death.
Reality cruelly held me back from the gate of death. I had no where to go, wandering between reality and avoidance.

I am totally an absolute timid coward...




After finishing what I needed to do, such as writing down telephone numbers of possible sponsors, posting posts to BBS, sending mails to Joy from OVF and Yilin from NTHU The Office of Student Activity, who is in charge of this International Voluntary Program, I went to bed.

It was 03:00.

It was a hard night. All thoughts were haunting and echoing in my 'gradually-getting-atrophic' brain.

Thinking of those shits and motherfuckers, I didn't think I was fully asleep.

4 hours of sleep was just like a blink. At 7:00, my god damned alarm screamed weakly.
I smashed it unconciously, it became mute.
I tried my best to pull my injured body up.

Without stretching after taking a hot shower last night (or maybe I should say, 'this mid-night'), my left hip didn't feel that comfortable.

Yet, I still had to get up so that I could go to the ranch before 8:00. It was a weekly routine.
However, during this hard hardness of time, this routine makes me suffer.

Tiresome and exhaustion beat me down, smash my nose, run over my body, give a solid and heavy punch on my belly. I want to puke.

I want to puke out all the responsibilities, promises, proposals, projects, goals, and anticipations.

Even horses cannot make me happy. Is it useful to buy a deaf earphones?
Useless of course. Everything is too late and useless.



I hate myself.
I hate myself being so merciful, so benevolent, so kind, so easy-going.
I disguise in humor. Yet I don't have any courage to speak up my true thoughts.

No one understands my bitterness except myself.

My heart, passion, ambition drains day by day.

This morning's discourse with the coach makes me see through this mist.
Why don't I just frankly admit it?
Why don't I just seperate tasks and responsibilities?

Why can't I find the person who I used to be?...

The dicussion kills me coldbloodedly without let me say my last defense.
At that spot, I was a mute. My tongue was cut, my mouth was sealed, my mind was stuck.

And my heart was dead...








Why do everything have to be so serious?

Why don't we just take it casually and happily?

Why don't we just have pure fun?

Why don't we just deal with matters only about horses?



Why can't I set my studies prior to the club?

Why can't I set my happiness and fun prior to the club?



Why can't I get rid of the responsibility?

Why can't I get rid of the feeling that I am always alone before the enemy?



All I can see is a pure darkness of hopeless and doom.

It is as if the dawn will never ever come.



The dusk of all the hope and happiness and joy embraces the pathetic, sorrowful, sinned humanity.







Someone says sacrifices are inevitable. It's just the matter of priority.



But I don't want to play god, or the role of Jesus. I don't believe in Christian nor Catholic.

Why must I burn myself to light up the others, those who don't even really care about me, or consider my situation carefully?

Why am I the one chosen to be sacrificed?


I am not a philanthropist. Why must I be benevolent?

I want to be evil. I want to bad. I want to be rebellious. I want to be wicked.
I want to be fucking unique and beyond the pathetic human nature.

But I am just too timid and kind. I cannot resist myself caring about others' thoughts.


I myself is the typical case of pathetic human nature.


I am the perfection of paradox.



Let's see how worse frustrations can toture the typical case of pathetic human nature.

Let's see how bloody a human body can be dismembered.

Let's see how a wanderer without aim, thoughts, and future can breathe before breakdown.



If I can greet, I will greet with unconsciousness.

If I can speak, I will speak discourses of gloom.

If I can chat, I will chat words of dullness.

If I can smile, I will smile dimples of sorrow.

If I can laugh, I will laugh laughter of pretense.

If I can scream, I will scream shrieks of despair.

If I can weep, I will weep tears of blood.

If I can walk, I will walk steps of hopelessness.

宿舍後補床位序號.....

264!!!!



幹,這最好是會後補上齁!




媽的,最近什麼事都不順心!
樣樣事衝過來,樣樣事心煩!
靠腰咧!

事多到疊起來像珠穆朗瑪峰一樣......!!
幹!!!

fuk ya

Today sucks... sucks to the core...

I hate coward man, especially who runs away before the enemy comes...
Being busy is such a lame excuse! Fucking lame! Even my dogs can make up one with the same reason. Fuck it!

I don't give it a damn how busy you are. I don't give it a shit. Not at all.
You've already got the acceptance. I don't understand why you can still be that fucking busy, even busier than I am. I will never buy that. Bullshit! I don't wanna hear your shitty excuse!

I have twenty credit, plus hundreds pages of assigned readings from Eng. Lit., R&W II, Intro. to Lang. Teachin' /PER WEEK. I gotta memorize lots of Jap. vocabulary, and have weekly meeting with my teammates about IMPORTANT issues.

If you say you are busier than I am, fuck you, I will never buy that shit!

What experiments? What research? Is your prof. your daddy or your mama? Stick with them all day long? You don't even have to take a fucking rest?

You don't even have balls to hang on with what you've alredy promised and done?
You got balls?
Are you man or not?

Fuk ya!!
Screw ya!!
Damn ya!!

Go to hell, you man without balls!!!!!
Fuck you! Go to hell and see what the fuck you've done, you shithead!!!

《且談坐墊對我的影響 - 勇氣、毅力、耐心和專注力結合的心靈成長故事!》

因為臀部肌肉拉傷...... 坐了硬硬的椅子太久會痛 = =


所以想說哪天去買個坐墊好了!

就在下午陪南下前來考試的正揚和正揚的同學等公車時,看到生活工場在特賣
我就盯著那個特賣的海報一會兒,感覺好像有件事跟它有關,但想不起來......

與正揚他們道別後,我拎著晚餐漫步回宿舍,心中也忘了這件事


直到........

回宿舍跟禿禿說起今早在考多益時,竹女那堅硬難坐的木頭椅害我的屁屁和大腿多麼疼痛難耐!

整整兩個半小時無休息,只能釘在那完全不符合人體工學又其硬無比的王巴爛木椅!!!


話說,考完聽力就不舒服了,眼看閱讀還有兩百題,我心都涼了半截!
心中猶如炭火煎熬,望著漫漫題本,巴不得舉手跟監考官說:

「不好意思,我能站著寫嗎?...」


但是機車的地方就在:它無法提早交卷。
也就是說:就算我快速飆完題目也還是得坐在爛巴巴的硬木椅上度過剩下的時光..................

這樣有比較好嗎?快速飆完不就是浪費我一千五塊報名費!我可是想要拿高分的!......

於是,時間滴答滴答過,我也咬緊牙關忍耐益加疼痛的臀部和大腿......
我可以感受到它在吶喊:

「不~~~~~~!!

不要再用妳的體重把我和我的肌肉群兄弟們壓在爛爛又硬巴巴的死木椅子上!!!」



對不起啊~~~!!!(淚奔)
我也是沒辦法!!!

身邊又沒有東西可以當坐墊來緩衝,所以只好將我沒持筆的左手塞進左邊臀部下......
「我可憐又不爭氣的臀部肌肉群...... 拿我的左手將就一下吧!!!」

於是乎,在接下來一個小時多的時間裡,我反覆的將我左手抽出、伸展,塞回屁股下。
少了左手,那痛楚無法忍耐...... 可偏偏又要專心!!又偏偏在考試!!!

大喊、大叫、搥打桌面、搥打強面、毆人都會「至少」讓我好過些!!!
可偏偏老娘在考多益!!!!靠腰咧!


寫到最後剩五十題時,我心想:
「快了,雖然還有五十題......」

每少了十題,我就安慰自己離解放的時間不遠......

剩最後二十題時,時間也剩三十分;我在座位上按耐不住椎心疼痛,從頭到尾、無時無刻地搬動我的大腿以圖個能「舒服」或「減輕疼痛」的姿勢......
心中暗罵:

「媽的,妳這個不重用的爛屁股!!!害老娘考個多益落的這個下場!!害我被疼痛分神,無法專心;害我沒有發揮我的實力!!!啊啊啊啊!!!臭屁股、爛大腿!!!我要把妳鋸掉啊!!」


我眉頭緊皺、拳頭緊握、門牙緊咬下唇...... 試著抵抗越加劇烈的痛楚!
雖然左手被壓麻了、壓紅了,快沒知覺了,我還是得作!
一抽出來,大腿痛的要命啊!該死!

終於,我硬撐到考試結束..................
心中祈禱監考人員能動坐飛快地收回題本和答案卡..............
這樣考生才能離場,我才能站起來啊!!!

每分每秒如坐針氈,我只能說:剎那間,那一秒成永恆......

每秒都很該死的痛!!你他媽的讓我站起來,好嗎???



我終於挨到了離場時刻,我幾乎站不起來...... 每個肌肉細胞都好似搶著離開我的大腿......
疼痛勝過抽筋,還蔓延到小腿......
我只能很可憐的扶著桌子,默默忍受離場考生的目光,試著站直。

教室燈關了、監考官在詢問我是否需要幫忙後就離去了。

走廊外熙攘的人群趕著離開試場。三兩個路人好奇地望進窗內。

我在陰暗的教室裡,等著我疼痛消去,即使當下的每分每刻宛如一世紀那麼漫長。

但我知道我會站起來。


雖不是站的很直、雖不是走得很正,我仍蹣跚地走到機車旁,戴上安全帽、口罩、手套,發動,回程。

一路上只有個念頭占據我腦海:
「趕快回學校!!!」


因為回學校就能停車,停車就能走路,走路就不會痛!

停完車後,我又步履蹣跚的走回宿舍。久坐帶來的劇痛已不在,我眉頭舒緩、心情開闊。

然不適仍在,回宿舍後我幾乎沒坐下(除了吃午餐),站著用完電腦後,爬回床上想趴著看書。

看著看著我就睡著了......



睡到三點四、五十正揚打給我,說他們考完試,想隨便逛一下學校附近。
所以我們去了清夜、大三元...... 吃了些東西,晃一下,該是時間去搭七點的火車。

於是我就陪他們等公車,看到小毛剛下客運。
正揚上車後,我就晃晃鞋店,漫步到subway那條街,買了(第一次吃的)紅鼎香滷味,還不錯。
再晃晃晃,晃到歐法小鎮看看有什麼好吃的麵包。買了明天的午餐。清大有打折,還不錯。每個看起來非常美味。

我就這樣過了下午。
回宿舍跟禿禿聊了一下,就想到說可以去生活工場買個坐墊。八點,剛好吃完晚餐去散步。

我只能說,生活工場貴死人了。就算特賣也貴死人了!
我看到的坐墊隨隨便便就要三四百...... 是怎樣?能治療臀部拉傷嗎???

於是我們到隔壁的小雅,萬物俱全啊!

還在樓梯間看到令人心動的海綿寶寶手提袋!!!差點就買下去了,好險!
不過那個海綿寶寶手提袋非常的經典啊!!!
整個就是海綿寶寶的樣子!!!
(孫煥庭,你一定會喜歡!)

有閒錢再買! XD

走上二樓,買到了只要六十九塊的乳牛色坐墊。哼,比隔壁那家便宜不知多少,花色又好看!

接著走到最靠近魚麵的那家鞋店,就是一直要清倉還沒清倉完的那家店。
我特地帶了六百塊消費券來買鞋;我穿七年的康verse該是丟掉的時候了。

花九十元買到了雙好穿的鞋子,開心。花六十九元買到了可讓屁屁舒適的坐墊,開心!

打算明天帶坐墊去上課!!
開玩笑,34N56789的課耶!坐人社院的椅子會死人!!

還有好吃的歐法小鎮麵包當午餐~~~~ 今早的多益折磨總算有些讓人釋懷!


呼~~~ 好長的一篇啊!!!
該是洗澡趴回床上看書的時候了!!!

Happy Tree Friends - Out On a Limb

So far the funniest!!!

本 月 [日取] [ 春虫虫]

聽了一整晚窗外呼嘯的東北季風,我昨夜睡的並不安穩。
因為我擔心今天早上九點半在竹女的TOEIC考試我會出包。

所謂的出包就是睡過頭、遲到,或是天氣不穩定無法騎車,等等。

為了這一天,我可是在手機上記得清清楚楚:3/14(六)考多益!

為了以防萬一,我七點半就起床了。雖然仍抵擋不了賴床的魅力...... 多趴了十五分才下床...

匆匆的吃完番茄蜂蜜芥末起司潛艇堡(自製)+ 溫牛奶後,迅速的套上衣服拿了鑰匙出發去!

因昨晚請教過阿蝸,所以到竹女的路上一路順利,大約八分鐘就到了。
但是風吹得我眼睛好難過...... 我的手都快掉下來了......

到了竹女,匆匆的跟著一小撮人走,通常這樣最快找到考場。
但沒想到,繞了一下,發現不對勁:



  • 那些人不是去我的考區「第二棟普通教學大樓」

這時,我看看錶,「嗯,還可以,才八點五十五分。」
我再走到川堂看一下位置圖就好了。

走到川堂後,發現......

  • 從剛踏入竹女,除了警衛是男的外,觸目所及都是女生......(好吧,雖然是在竹女,可總不能連男考生都沒有吧??)
  • 一路上沒有任何「多益 TOEIC」的字樣

算了,可能碰巧這期的TOEIC都女生來考吧(攤手)~~
沒有TOEIC字樣可能是因為校方做不夠周詳,沒有貼的到處都是罷了!
到了考場附近一定會看到~~ ~

於是,看完位置圖後,我便安心的舉步前往位置圖上說的只有兩層樓的「第二棟普通教學大樓」。

沒走幾步,就到了目的地......(這學校也真小......)

這時我又發現:

  • 四周非常安靜...... 安靜到讓我回想到我高三時週六留校自習的情形......
  • 所謂的「第二棟普通教學大樓」裡,看不到任何人........ 只有三三兩兩的學生散坐在各教室內自習.....
  • 就算到了考場,也看不到任何座位指示(e.g. 准考證幾號到幾號要到哪間教室)......


......嗯?

這是正常的嗎??????


這種情形是正常的考場該有的樣子嗎???????


於是乎,我匆匆掏出我的准考證,找一下我到底哪裡搞錯了!!

「是看錯考區嗎??mmmm......不是啊,是在新竹女中沒錯啊!」
「考試時間我也非常確定是九點半啊!」


接著,我眼睛瞄到「測驗日期」那欄......


「2009/03/15」



!!!



靠腰,那不就是明天嗎????!

難怪這裡一隻貓都沒有!!只有一堆女應屆高三考生!!!

那老娘那麼早起來,飽受風寒,手都快凍掉了,是來幹嘛???


春遊是吧???

心中大罵自己是個宇宙無敵霹靂智障大白癡之後,默默的走回大門,騎車回學校.................

現在只能以以下幾點安慰自己:

  • 「沒關係啦~~ 反正明天就要考試了,先來看看考場,熟悉一下地形和路線也不錯啊~」
  • 「沒關係啦~~ 反正平常這時候妳也不是睡到十點半嗎?七點半起來有什麼不好? 這時候回宿舍也才九點半,還可以做很多事咧!可以讀讀英國文學和語言教學導論呀~~~」

......真的是蠢爆了


本

月


日
取

春
虫虫


!!

"Nature is but an image or imitation of wisdom, the last thing of the soul."

"Nature is but an image or imitation of wisdom, the last thing of the soul."
-- Plotinus