Egypt / Lebanon Montage from Khalid Mohtaseb on Vimeo.
http://kaiak.tw/?p=39025
cynical
有時候覺得 modern art 現代藝術像是 piece of shit 一塊屎。跟文藝復興時期、浪漫主義時期比起來簡直毫無技術可言，似乎只要有所謂的 being original「創意」就可行遍天下。
所以你說我這篇文章算不算一現代藝術？
「巧妙地將關鍵的英語詞彙融合中文翻譯，並加上那一具有神奇力量的槓，就連再無趣的抱怨也可詼諧逗趣。」
是不？
腦子僵掉
好久沒做事；綿羊當久了就會習慣這種被人帶領的生活。
之前事情太多，導致現在還是一片懶散。唉，明明就是該振作起來的時刻了！
總覺得四肢百骸鬆軟無力，連腦子都呆了。明明就是處理些自己最想作的事，卻連勁都提不上來，還要麻煩前輩幫忙。前輩說我輩的一些評語，就像一支支箭般射進我的心中。
是不是因為大四二十四學分的悲哀呢？還是我在幫自己找藉口？
下學期修少一點，會比較有勁嗎？可是我也好想修些課、上些以後就很少再學到的東西。
有時候會覺得像這樣懶懶散散地過活也沒有什麼不好。
沒處理什麼外務；有自己的時間看課外書；有時間漫步校園；有時間曬太陽；有時間做些很想打工的工；有時間和朋友聊天；有時間認識朋友；有時間打網誌；有時間看國家地理雜誌；有時間借電影來看；有時間逛大賣場買食物；有時間逛甜點店欣賞高熱量的美食。
有時間面對自己；有時間分析自己；有時間想想自己；有時間拿出勇氣看著自己，發堀出不願意面對的真相。
有時間..... 有時間...... 人越老時間過的越快。有的人是要拼了命地抓住青春的夕陽；有的人是要費命地將青春的正午綻放在人生的道路上。而我...... 要睡掉我的日正當中嗎？
很快樂也很羞恥，並帶著些許的罪惡感活著；每分每秒都活在懺悔中，並希望下一秒會更好。
Short notes on "Walden"
"In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
"If you would learn to speak all tongues and conform to the customs of all nations, if you would travel farther than all travellers, be naturalized in all climes, and cause the Sphinx to dash her head against a stone, even obey the precept of the old philosopher, and Explore thyself."
"The universe is wider than our views of it."
"Yet we should oftener look over the tafferel of our craft, like curious passengers, and not make the voyage like stupid sailors picking oakum. The other side of the globe is but the home of our correspondent."
"Direct your eye sight inward, and you'll find
A thousand regions in your mind
Yet undiscovered. Travel them, and be
Expert in home-cosmography."
"The sun is alone, except in thick weather, when there sometimes appear to be two, but one is a mock sun. God is alone,－but the devil, he is far from being alone; he sees a great deal of company; he is legion."
"She was probably the only thoroughly sound-conditioned, healthy, and robust young lady that ever walked the globe, and wherever she came it was spring."
"The value of a man is not in his skin, that we should touch him."
"Society is commonly too cheap. We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other."
"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."
"Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows."
"By a conscious effort of the mind we can stand aloof from actions and their consequences; and all things, good and bad, go by us like a torrent."
"If you stand right fronting and face to face to a fact, you will see the sun glimmer on both its surfaces, as if it were a cimeter, and feel its sweet edge dividing you through the heart and marrow, and so you will happily conclude your mortal career. Be it life or death, we crave only reality."
"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence,－that pretty fears and pretty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality."
Casabianca -- Elizabeth Bishop
Love's the boy stood on the burning deck
trying to recite "The boy stood on
the burning deck". Love's the son
stood stammering elocution
while the poor ship in flames went down.
Love's the obstinate boy, the ship,
even the swimming sailors, who
would like a schoolroom platform, too
or an excuse to stay
on deck. And love's the burning boy.
Defense of Literature
People tend to think literature as unrealistic, abstract ideas. But the truth is that a good literature is always concrete. It links to our life with specific terms; so does any form of art.
人們傾向將文學看作不切實際、抽象的概念，但事實上好的文學一直
in memory of you
I'm always thinking of you when I'm alone.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm trying to be calm.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm silencing my vehemence.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm persuading myself not to cross this border.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm struggling with my understood self and the conscience.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm hesitating to fit in the general social perspectives and rules.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm distracted by the eclipse formed by shades of twigs and the dimming sunshine.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm staring at the water drop losing its gravity and pouncing at the earth with its all minute might.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm ignoring all those trivial interactions we've done so far but yet you'll probably never notice.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm having my every step forward on the path from somewhere to nowhere.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm fantasizing of all impossible possibilities that might come true in my wildest dream.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm having no enough pills to cure this pathetically unforgivable condition which causes me so much pain.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm wondering whether this world does exist someone like me who is striving to be understood by someone like you.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm hesitating what can be said and what cannot be said, and whom I can talk to or whom I can never find to talk to.
I'm always thinking of you when I'm deciding to let go of pieces of our trivial memory so my soul will never be completed but at least I'll probably be okay to move on without our future and past.
喔耶！
嘻嘻
即使文字無法表達我的興奮和雀躍，但還是要來抒發一下，這樣待會睡覺才睡的著！
終於和七年沒見面的 flora 見面，超開心的耶
我的枯萎靈魂好久沒這麼開心了，有種回到兒時的感覺
唉，時光飛逝！
耶耶耶～ 超激開心～～～
late rebellious youth
用頭髮來判斷性別是愚蠢的。
留短髮的原因有很多，但我純粹只是因為短髮對我來說很好整理，因為我有羯人的高鼻深目鬈髮，哼！
短髮可以修飾我的五官，又好整理，頭髮一下就乾了。就算每天都去運動流個滿身汗（的話）洗頭洗澡也很方便，哼！
剛剛走下樓梯有個女客人問走在我後面那個男的說我是男的還女的，然後一群人在那邊討論，我超生氣的啊！
不能因為我穿比較多遮蓋所有曲線，然後又因為沒有大衣所以我穿我哥的厚外套就說我是男的啊！
還說那個什麼「看那個頭髮」！
乾，我剪這個頭髮礙到你了喔？
講這麼大聲以為我聽不到嗎？
可以尊重他人的自由嗎？有需要為一個路人甲的事情而品頭論足或者是高談闊論嗎？
我人都還沒走開耶，可以給我當事人一點尊重嗎？蛤？蛤？
當下超想走進去觀景台，把層層外套脫掉，然後拿掉眼鏡，瞪著他們說：「乾，老娘是女的，你們這些需要被教育的俗子們！需要我脫給你們看我是男的還女的嗎？」
性別判斷一定要因為頭髮長短嗎？齁，超生氣的啊！
他人越是這樣想，或是問我為什麼要留短頭髮，我就越不想理他們，越是想與他們的期望背道而馳！
我留短髮我喜歡就好，啊干你屁事膩？
這個社會真的需要更多元的聲音和個體！
我留這個頭走在米國根本沒有人管你！比我更酷更炫的人到處都是！
台灣的俗子們，醒醒吧！不要口口聲聲地喊要人權、要自由、要民主、要多元！如果你們連這種視覺上的小衝擊都承擔不起，或者為一個人的性別這種攸關他人的隱私或是自由的事情而議論紛紛，那我們這個所謂自由民主的社會完全是假象。
自由要從尊重他人做起。
This fucked up society needs to be educated.
罪惡感
因為每天都不想讀書。每天下課後就完全失去動力和電力，只想趴在床上看課外書和上網，還有照相、運動、煮飯和逛大賣場和水果攤。
 |
| 充滿運動天份並反應敏捷的我，當然是坐在離地快十公尺的最上方囉 |
如果每天都可以跑出去玩就好了～ 像是有台車子，上面在著風浪板、衝浪板、趴板，禮拜五沒課就跑去南寮衝浪。
可惜南寮根本沒浪。台灣根本沒有幾個地方可以衝
那在成功湖 kyak 呢？？
怎麼可能... 只要不被風吹翻船就好了。就讓我人生中第一次 kyak 跟我的米國遊放在一起吧。
書都不想讀，考試也只圖過了就好，我好糟糕。這樣每天帶著罪惡感活下去，有點羞恥卻有點快樂。
暑假本該是快快樂樂放鬆的日子，我卻跑出去辛苦地讀書和旅遊好久。回來之後也就一直無法調適到正確的用功模式，我這是怎麼了？
是因為內心少了一塊所以如此這般嗎？
其實有人問我些問題，我也不知道該怎麼回答。我說了會被了解嗎？
其實大家都是人，只要有這個和那個，我並不在乎。
話說不滿才有詩意，你詩了嗎？
未來
想很多，想做的也很多、顧慮的也很多、聽到的也很多、被建議的也很多。但靜下心、放慢腳步，聽自己的聲音最重要。Know thyself.
然後一步一步地走下去，慢慢的達成計畫和目標，儘管路上旅人逐漸稀少。實現夢想的路上是孤獨的，因為只有你自己是和你的心在一塊兒。只有你自己聽的到你的聲音。
旁人的「建議」、從那兒和這兒來的「聽說」，世界上和社會上的環境讓你「顧慮」，但我相信我的理性判斷、內心自覺、腦中知識、生命經驗。
於是我還是堅定地踏下腳步，一步一步地完成規劃，邁向心中夢想的道路！
未來不就是這麼一回事嗎？
Blue Foundation - End Of The Day
Silence
Stretching out between us
I dream of a presence
With essence
And absence of doubt
Come closer
Come and stay with me now
Help me reconcile
Come and stay a while
And I will find a home
Because we love till the end
We love till the end of the day
Of the day
Distant
Shifty-eyed and restless
I dream of a presence
With essence
And absence of doubt
Come closer
Come and stay with me now
Help me reconcile
Come and stay a while
And I will find a home
Because we love till the end
We love till the end of the day
Of the day
Staind - Right Here (Video) Album Version audio
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting
a new eye
was born on your forehead. You don't know why.
It picks sundry trivia you've been ignoring, and you can't ignore it this time.
You hate the breath. You hate the smell. You hate the way they walk. You hate the way they look at you. You hate the way they say hi. You hate the way they sit. You hate the way they stand. You hate the way they talk.
You hate everything you've been ignoring, avoiding, neglecting, tolerating.
And this new eye grants you all this nonsense hatred. You don't know why. You can't know why.
The truth and reason are always horrifying, alike there's an eye suddenly born on your fucking forehead.
FUCKING HORRIFYING.
低潮
退潮過後，沙灘上滿佈貝殼、漁網，還有玻璃和垃圾。
我踏過濕溽的沙灘，讓腳底浸在沁涼。
我彎身撿起中意的貝殼，用腳撥開礙眼的垃圾。
我抬頭看向近處的浪花，想著不可能的大夢想。
時間，如浪潮襲來又捲去，恣意、狂放。
我一回神，卻發現海水已將我包圍。
我一人被困在沙洲上，獨自面對我的低潮。
Bound for nowhere
Dining as if I'm never hungry,
Bounding home as if I have no home.
Falling asleep as if I'm never asleep,
Walking around as if I'm the walking-dead.
Seeing as if I'm always blind,
Hearing as if I'm always deaf.
Breathing aloud as if I'm always drowned,
Saying agape as if I'm the whining-cat.
Thinking as if I'm misanthropic,
Commenting as if I'm a cynic.
Straying ashore as if I'm a loner,
Living astray as if I'm the living-dead.
My day...
As we're nearer to the end;
Here we are again
Seems like we're always working
At this time of year
We have come a long way, my friend
How many hours we have spent
Seems like we're always working
At this time
This is my day
And I wanted you to know
This is my day
And I'm gonna be okay
Through the steady sweep of days
Keeping focus as the currents race
Seems like we're always working
At this time
This is my day
And I wanted you to know
This is my day
And I'm gonna be okay
賤商
幹，超賤的！
雖然說好的東西就是會被抄襲，而我們家民宿從蓋好以來，裡裡外外到那全清
可是聽到有人也學我們，最近也抄襲我們跟著做十穀養生粥，就真的是超賤的啊！
當初他們在蓋的時候，都偷跑進來看我們的格局，所以連格
超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤的超賤
1 of always-favs
カリソメ乙女 - 椎名林檎
I'm just like the women
Sweet intoxication
But I'm leaving this affair
You lit up my daydreams
Like so many other guys
Don't you look so lonely
There's no sorrow in goodbye
What women want are some simple pleasures
To be special
We don't need you forever
But I fell for your trap
Girls will fall like that
I was floating on a breeze
What you must be feeling
It was too late yesterday
Despite your deceiving
It was me who had my way
But women always attempt to tell lies
And to disguise, conceal what we want
So when I try to deceive won't you believe,
Or say that you forgive me
Cause the fault lies with you and the things you do
Don't tell me that I'm wrong
So I'll try to make this break but I can't escape
I'm too far into you
Though I know (though I know)
Our time has come (nothing lasts)
When you say (when you say)
"I still love you" (I love you), I think...
Don't leave me alone here
I'm lonely without you near
No lies, tricks or deception,
These words speak my affection
Hey boy, those were just lies
Now I'll say my goodbye
i'm fucking ruing myself
自食惡果
飲鴆止渴
引火自焚
飛蛾撲火
就是現在
我的寫照
報告明明
才打一段
卻在網路
執迷不悟
我這白痴
我恨期中
我想悠閒
度過一生
魚與熊掌
很難兼得
快記下來要不然會忘記
在米國時，被日本朋友說我長的像椎名林檎
喔 我好開心唷
也被摩納哥朋友說，像某韓國女子團體（唱機機機機北北北北北）裡的其中一位，那位曾經是短頭髮的很正的那位
其實我分不太出來，但她有指給我看
嗯，滿漂亮的，開心～
還有在 Tahoe 國家公園附近的湖和某亞裔 UCB 女生划 kayak 時，我們才第一次見面她就說我長的像頭文字D裡的鈴木杏
歪國人都好大方，我好害羞
亁，我好虛榮 = =
這血肉之軀無法剎那間成永恆，不要也罷
是不是？
where art thou?
Where art thou?
Another half of my heart.
---
How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
I loathe thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when thou art out of sight.
日文成績讓我想通了
大一時想要拿書券；
大二時在意沒拿到書券；
大三時覺得拿不拿書券也無所謂；
大四時覺得成績並不能代表我會的一切。
日語聽解前兩次小考離及格有幾十分，最近這一次終於（剛好）及格了，我好開心。
日語閱讀期中我有及格！而且離七十差一點！我也好開心！
於是乎我通了！
Dash Berlin feat. Emma Hewitt - Waiting (Acoustic Version)
Fading of the day
as night takes over
and I can almost feel
you here
Your memory remains
I breath it closer
I swear that I still feel you near
The cool wind is taking over
it’s taking over
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that day
I take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that day
I take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waitïng
"Self-Reliance"
Do not search outside yourself.
自私
當小孩好像就只能自私，接受父母無私的奉獻。回家跟爸媽談過後，好像有開了點，但是卻放不下 - 花盡父母的血汗錢只為了出國讀書，真的很自私。
當時在 Berkeley 時就有和韓國室友提到這件事。當時的她看起來有點沮喪，經我詢問下才發現其實我們有相同的困擾。
我們在國外想盡資源，美好的天氣、美好的校園、多元的環境，一切都和家鄉不一樣，可是我們卻沒有能力讓父母一起過來生活在這種環境裡。我們在異國想盡一切榮華富貴，而家鄉的父母們卻衣衫襤褸。
好自私。
雖然父母都同意了，也鼓勵我好好爭取，但我還是放不開。傾家蕩產只為了你一人，你的良心過的去嗎？未來再回報，有成就時再回報，但那是多久以後呢？敢保證一定會能讓父母同樣享盡榮華富貴嗎？同樣享受生活？
喔，有錢真好。
我最喜歡做的事就是懶懶地趴在床上，邊聽音樂邊編輯、上傳剛拍好的照片
以此紀錄我的義式醃牛肉培根蔬菜蛋炒飯
下次應該先把牛肉炒好放旁邊，要不然跟著其他料一起炒會太老
放培根是對的，因為很肥，當蔬菜用奶油炒過後，再放入培根和飯，就很香了
剛好抓住的雜念
I have a dream that one day Taiwanese competitors and all other talents can win the glory which should belong to them in the international arena - without any political pressure from either China or any country and individual that has been bribed by benefits, blinded by ignorance, and bewitched by stereotypes.
從「大晉兵力勝於往時，不於此際平壹四海，而更阻兵相守，使兵困於征戍，經歷盛衰，不可長久也」看「美伊、美阿戰爭」對美國力之影響
「大晉兵力勝於往時，不於此際平壹四海，而更阻兵相守，使兵困於征戍，經歷盛衰，不可長久也。」--《晉書 羊祜傳》（武帝咸寧二年 / 276 A.D.）
- 盡全美軍軍力，武力征服所有反抗勢力
- 盡全美政府之力，撤除所有駐伊、阿大大小小單位
Into the fire (Alternate version) - Marilyn Manson - The High End Of Low
This is the film, close to the third act and the misery
It's not rain, you rapist werewolves
It's God pissing down on you
We'll die alone
Cause I'll break off my own arms
Sharpen my bones
Stab you once for each time I thought of you
Trying to take something
You'll never be good enough to even look upon
It's better to push something away that's slipping
Than to risk being dragged down
If you want to hit bottom
Don't bother to try taking me with you
I won't answer if you call
Two heartbeats ended in hell
Trying to break your fall
This isn't a mob, won't need to change the names
Everyone around you
Has murdered someone, something sacred
Isn't one nail without dirt under it
Isn't any white cotton panties that aren't soaked and stained red
It's better to push something away that's slipping
Than to risk being dragged down
If you want to hit bottom
Don't bother to try taking me with you
I won't answer if you call
Two heartbeats ended in hell
Trying to break your fall
Into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire
Fire, ohh
Into the fire
Fire, ohh
Into the fire
Fire, ohh
Into the fire
Fire, ohh
whatever doesn't kill you is going to leave a scar
It's not like I made myself a list,
Of new and different ways to murder your heart.
I'm just painting that's still wet,
If you touch me, I'll be smeared
You'll be stained,
Stained for the rest of your life
So turn around, walk away,
Before you confuse the way we abuse each other.
If you're not afraid of getting hurt,
Then I'm not afraid of how much I hurt you.
I'm well aware I'm a danger to myself,
Are you aware I'm a danger to others?
There's a crack in my soul,
You thought it was a smile.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar.
I'm more like a silver bullet,
And I'm like a gun, not easy to hold.
I'm moving fast and if I stay inside your heart,
I'm certain that this will be,
The end of your life.
So turn around, walk away,
Before you confuse the way we abuse each other.
If you're not afraid of getting hurt,
Then I'm not afraid of how much I hurt you.
I'm well aware I'm a danger to myself,
Are you aware I'm a danger to others?
There's a crack in my soul,
You thought it was a smile.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar,
Leave a scar,
Leave a scar.
Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar.
She warned you that she may fuck me,
But chances are I'm gonna fuck you over.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar
Leave a scar,
Leave a scar.
Whatever doesn't kill you,
Is gonna leave a scar.
秋天到了，來悲一下
大學的第四年就像一根極品古巴雪茄，抽到最後只剩下菸屁股在那邊滋滋作響。
再怎麼美妙的口感、再怎麼飄香的菸草，燃到盡頭還是盡頭。
捻熄吧。
有錢真好（雜唸跳針篇）
最近身邊很多人都思考未來出路。經濟狀況很明顯地區分出來。
啊，我要去國外讀。托福雅思或GRE和GMAT都考好了。接著要等學校回音。
嗯，補習囉，補托福，考GRE，然後讀國外研究所。---
然後想到這輩子很榮幸跟滿多有錢人當同學。像某某某國中同學或高中同學。
成績不怎樣，留在台灣升學鐵定也不怎樣。功課墊底；大學聯考頂多考上某某普普的私校。
可是家裡有錢，經濟能力能負擔，所以被送出去了。
歌劇院大學某某系，哇，名稱超好聽。清大外語算個屁。
以美國西岸北邊某州命名的大學財務管理系，哇，又申請到日本私立一流名校交換學位，幹，清大外語算個屎。
以奇異果國的首都命名的大學某某系，嗯，感覺仍是比清大外語強。
---
然後在網路上連來連去，看到朋友的朋友。
明明高中是在台灣唸，然後那個校名聽都沒聽過，也不知道在哪哩，甚至會冒出來「咦？這是什麼？」的念頭，可是現在卻在米國某某設計學院學服裝設計。
Fashion Design
Women's Wear Design
Interior Design聽起來可是多麼的響亮又好聽。感覺不曉得哪國的哪一任第一夫人又會穿他們設計的衣服上台參加什麼晚會之類的。
喔，還有一個路人，也是台灣某北部普普私校學士畢業，可是卻也是一樣在讀時裝設計這種一聽名字就看到伸展台和高挑模特兒的美麗世界。
---
當然，這也反映出許多台灣人是對台灣的教育環境多麼的失望。
也反映出台灣的教育環境是多麼地扼殺一個生命的創造力和潛力。
也教導我們不可以因為學業不好，就否認一人未來的可能與發展。
但是，老實說「學歷鍍金」或「本是大草包一個，卻因為家裡有錢送出國而漂白成『歸國學人』」的想法一直出現在我的腦海中。
好吧，我見不得別人好。
好吧，我酸葡萄。
好吧，我心眼狹小。
隨便你怎麼說我，我就是他媽的不爽這種齊頭式的不平等！
---
像某某某家看起來極沒氣質，一看就知道教育程度或學養不高，可是他們卻在中部開了五金工廠，還外銷，賺很多。
氣質，能吃嗎？老爺我有的是錢。我兒子是某某某商職肄業，但有什麼關係？我有錢送他去英國留學！
我把剛買的賓士換掉，因為有點小。我買了 BMW 休旅車最新款，我買了家附近一塊空地來當停車場。我在哪哪哪又買了什麼不動產，價值幾千萬。
爆發戶賺再多錢還是爆發戶，擺脫不了從無知識階級想要跳到金字塔頂端的渴望和......可笑。
但是他們到了金字塔頂端，我們這些領人薪水的中產階級，虧有知識涵養和氣質，但，能吃嗎？
「只要擁有富有的心靈就能過地很充足」這類的極為樂觀的理想化說法，想必是有錢又有學識的金字塔頂端人物想出來的吧。喔，又或許是看破紅塵的陶淵明之流的大人物。
---
英美前十研究所，每年三四百萬台幣的花費。基本上，碩士兩到三年，博士五到八年。
說是傾家蕩產也不為過。可能還要兼賣親兄弟、表兄弟的屁股，然後也順便把自己推入火坑。
全個家族不吃不喝不穿不消費，全部省下來的所得「剛剛好」能支付你一年的學費呢。
嗯？你說你還要出國讀？
怎麼讀的下去！
---
放棄夢想吧！因為你沒有錢！
放棄可以開拓的前途吧！因為你沒有錢！
放棄你的抱負吧！因為你他媽的沒有錢跨出第一步！
---
齊頭式的不平等讓人憤世嫉俗！
我無法克制自己繼續地憤世嫉俗下去，直到這個社會是個均富且公平公義的社會！
脫離
不在乎你的背景、不在乎你的外表，不在乎你的性別，也不在乎你的
雖然說這一週非常忙碌，但昨晚和一小些朋友去吃薑母鴨卻是再給我第二次機會我也會作一樣的選擇。尤其聽到一些事情，內心有一些感觸，再想一下最近發生的一些事，我覺得我又成長了一點。
有那份願意溝通的心是寬容且偉大的。前幾年在社團得到這個經驗，上幾個禮拜我又得到證實。雖然在溝通的當下我有些錯愕，但是經過這幾天的消化與反思，我發現他們說的甚是。很多事情我都看不清；我也或許真的像他們講的那樣吧。沒有人是完美的，但大家都默默忍受，用善言、美行鼓勵著，等著不完美改進成完美，就像等著長滿毒刺的毛毛蟲蛻變成一隻美艷的鳳蝶。口業造了就造了，現在該做的是學習如何口吐蓮花，學習如何忍耐，學習如何運用語言鼓勵他人，讓自己成為向上的力量。
又經過公演那一個禮拜的忙碌。即使我是旁觀米蟲，即使我一開始憂心忡忡，即使我在看完技排後滿腔熱血瞬間被澆熄，但在看到後面幾次整排和正式演出的那種氣勢、那種企圖，那種團結，我這個米蟲也感到驕傲。
很多事情一開始不完美，不被看好，但在大家的付出和努力下，一艘即沉的船也有可能重新揚帆出發。
人與人的力量構成一幅影響他人的蜘蛛網。每個份子都是網上的小水珠；一陣風或一場雨都影響著每位參與者。而也是透過這種人與人之間的張力，每粒水珠都被串成一起，變成娟娟細流，最後再成為一道洪注。
音樂結束後全場歡聲雷動，每個演員都定格在最後的姿勢以迎接完美結局。我從來不知道掌聲和歡呼竟可如此兼具感性和教育性。而我又從中學到了什麼？
昨晚的薑母鴨吃掉了許多原本計畫好的時間，但想想看，我有多久沒有這麼荒唐地、隨興地和朋友坐下，一邊聊天、一邊小酌、一邊用餐？或許不是很久，但是人、地、物不同，感觸就不一樣。
談話中知道了一些事情，當下沒有很多感觸，但經過一夜的沉澱，我發現它成為一道洪流。想想他人，看看自己，真的還有很多地方要共勉之。開頭的那一段體悟即是。
我盡可能地將它化為文字，並期許以後能記住這段話、記住這啟發、記住這教訓。因為沒有人是完美的，我應該抱持著更開闊的心胸去接納一切。
我不應該苛責，我不應該再執著。我要脫離自己固有的一切，飛向更廣闊的天空。這才是真正的自由。
Joel Burns tells gay teens "it gets better"
"In a courageous, intensely emotional talk at the city council in Fort Worth, Texas, councilman Joel Burns reaches out to the targets of teen bullying -- kids who are gay, perceived as gay, or just different -- with a vital message about their lives, and the harassment they face."
Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity) - Acoustic
I’m home alone tonight.
Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
Possible...with you.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we’re alone.
I may have found a way for you and I to finally fly free.
When we get there, we’re gonna go far away.
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
For years, I kept to myself.
Now potentialities are bound, and sleeping under my shelf.
Simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,
And we’ll be there.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we’re alone.
I may have found the way for you and I to finally be free
Last Call
Save me from myself, dear God, or anything, anyone else that can save me from this degeneration...
I am in a peril.
A fucking attractive, mysterious being makes an insane tranquil.
Pushing me to the fringes of cliffs.
Threatening me with all of the charm and the adorable characteristics.
Dazzling meteor showered on my shoulder. It was the fringe of your shadow...
Looking up, I was bathed in the amazement.
Pure joy and excitement. A sense of courage and... completion.
Methought you were that shooting star which cut through my night.
An eerie scar was left on the vaulting universe.
Just like anything dear and perfect, you were not permanent...
Even if I call your name, you won't turn.
But the glory shined through my heart's darkness.
A raindrop on the desert.
An indolent sigh of forever absence.
Even if I call your name, you won't turn.
Just like a dazzling meteor that lasts only for a second.
You were there, and gone.
A laughter, a gesture, a blink. And gone.
Even if I call your name, you won't turn.
Nothing can make a shooting star turn...
It only falls for a second and not permanent.
What is left is a shinning, little scar on the universe.
A glimpse, a sigh, a wonder. And gone...
What is left is a weeping, subtle desolation.
Peril. Tranquil. No return.
I call for a savior!
99年國際事務青年人才培訓計畫 - 心得
進修學校：加州大學柏克萊分校（University of California, at Berkeley）
進修課程：Democracy as Alternatives in Developing World
American Studies: Media and Communication
摘要：
在美停留的兩個月期間我在UC Berkeley修了兩門課，深刻體會了美國文化和國際頂尖大學的校園生活。之後的實習也讓我了解平日的外交事務。以下我將著重在「研習目的」、「學術進修」、「駐點實習」、「生活體驗」。
研習目的：
我會得知此計畫乃因經過行政院青輔會的告知，並通過甄選由其推薦。我目前就讀清華大學外語系四年級，雖非「國際關係」或「外交」學系群的相關科系，但我對這領域仍極有興趣。又2009年我參與並帶領學校「國際志工中心」所主辦的「清華大學迦納國際志工」團隊，從通過徵選到出發歷時八個月的準備，包括聯絡在當地合作的NGO、撰寫企劃書、準備企劃之內容、向企業和政府機構募款，等等。
總括整個企劃從籌備到完成回饋事項（如去贊助企業簡報、接受媒體採訪），共歷時一年。而這一年的投入不但讓我熟悉企劃書的撰寫和計畫案簡報，我也因長期與NGO聯絡，深刻地拓展我的國際視野（該基金會—oneVillage Foundation在美國、肯亞、迦納都有據點，而我們常與美國與迦納的顧問進行行程安排、企劃內容等溝通）。而到了迦納，我看到當地貧富差距懸殊、基礎公共設施不足、城鄉差距大等問題，也遇到許多來自各國的NGO工作者、志工和大學實習生與研究生等。
在某一方面，或許因為過去殖民背景的緣故（迦納曾為英國殖民地，2009年又因美國總統伉儷拜訪而再度與歐美關係密切），迦納的國際化程度以及其在國際的重要地位可能更勝於台灣。這種體會相當震撼，若非親自在迦納待過一個月絕對無法相信。也因為如此，我反思台灣—我國在各方面絕對不輸迦納，甚至是遙遙領先這個所謂的「發展中國家」、「第三世界」，但是為什麼我國的國際能見度、國際化程度卻與之不分軒輊？難道我國要因為政治上的現實面而落於國際社會之外嗎？因此，要讓世界看見台灣的最有效方法就是透過外交途徑—尤其是以軟實力—讓台灣走出去。讓台灣國際能見度大幅提升，以增加我國國民自信心和國際視野。就是這種希望和夢想讓我想從事外交領事人員的工作，而非本科系的我也希望透過這次活動除了能夠了解外交領事事務和國際關係相關領域之外，也能藉由暑期修課了解和體驗美國一流大學的學術環境、校園風氣和大學生活，並藉由「讀萬卷書行萬里路」的道理來開拓視野、認識來自全世界的學生。
研習過程：
從7/6到8/12為期六個禮拜，我在UC Berkeley修習之兩門課程分別為
一、政治科學（Political Science）系的「民主政治在發展中國家的演變（Democracy as Alternatives in Developing World）」和
二、College Writing Program的「美國文化研究：媒體與溝通（American Studies: Media and Communication」。
學術進修：
第一門課為該科系之大三必修科目，課業相當繁重。教授教課方法為純講課，不用投影片和書面大綱，鮮少板書，通常會留最後半小時給學生提問或提出意見和想法。整個課堂上約有140位學生，幾乎都是Berkeley在學學生。除了每週一到四下午三個小時的課外，禮拜五還需參與由助教帶領的討論課，並在課堂中小考。成績計算方式依據期中與期末考、每週小考的成績，還有出席率和課堂參與度。教授為Steven Fish，專攻俄國、蘇聯的政治發展和變遷，甚至在修課期間出差至柏林參與喬治亞共和國的修憲會議。即使如此，課堂上仍是著重在老師講課、課前預習，以及閱讀課程材料；內容也不只著重在前蘇聯國家，而是包括南韓、印尼、菲律賓、印度、迦納、馬利等近年來才脫離威權統治、軍人干政與政變，逐步邁向自由民主的「發展中國家」。
此外，課程也涵蓋到性別、族群，和階級平等、經濟與社會發展等議題，內容又廣又深且常牽涉到該國的歷史與地理背景，因此每週需完成的閱讀量相當驚人。又因每週五的小考內容是根據閱讀材料而出，老師上課也會提及相關內容，若沒充分準備上課常會一知半解，小考分數也會不甚討喜。所以我在Berkeley的日子常常以宿舍的圖書館為家，和韓國室友和日本、摩納哥朋友們一起讀書讀到半夜一、兩點是家常便飯。我們甚至笑稱「平常在自己的學校讀書也沒這麼用功」。
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學生宿舍I-House設施完善，提供長期或短期住宿師生一個學術環境濃厚、被國際交流氣氛環繞的學習環境。此圖即攝於I-House內部的圖書館，該圖書館只限住宿師生進入使用。厚實的木椅背、柔軟的坐墊、吸音效果極佳的地毯，還有舒服溫暖的沙發都是每個愛書人夢寐以求的書房、學生最享受的讀書空間。 |
駐點實習：
因為Berkeley的課程結束地較晚，舊金山辦事處原訂的實習時間我們都無法配合，故另再安排於8/5和8/7到8/9這四天到舊金山經貿辦事處、金山灣區華僑文教中心見習。第一天的實習我們擔任「一日館長」，參與辦事處人員每週的例行會議、聆聽各個處事的長官解說業務、參訪各處事，以及拜訪位於唐人街的「中華總會館」(全美所有僑團之首)和未來的舊金山文教中心。接下來的三天行程我們都在南灣的僑教中心停留，參與並幫忙僑界的活動，也與許多熱心的僑委和僑胞見面。
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在共計四天的實習裡，我們承金山灣區僑委和各界僑胞熱情接待，拜訪了舊金山經貿辦事處以及中華總會館、矽谷的各大科技產業，並參與了僑界活動如為慶祝父親節而舉辦的「北加州台灣長輩會」，還有冒險家「太平洋公主號」的座談會，等等。 |
大會師：
經過好幾個禮拜的美國生活，8/13～8/15的華府大會師無疑是整個企劃的尾聲。經過五個小時的夜班飛機，我們舊金山組一行人來到華府文教中心參加大會師活動。大會師聚集了來自各個城市的學員，以及多家僑界和台灣媒體，駐美代表以及多位外交部、僑委會長官也蒞臨會場，聆聽我們的成果分享簡報。而各組的學員也藉此機會互相交流，了解各組在各地所進行的實習活動有何不同等—因為比較，我們知道改進；因為改進，我們才能更好。
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華府大會師提供了我們西岸的學員一個拜訪美國首都華府的機會。在參加完第一天的成果會議後，第二天我們經由國會圖書館亞洲館館長帶領下，見到許多古籍真跡，並一同參訪國會山莊聽解說。此外，我們也在雙橡園外停留，但不能入內實在遺憾。 |
在Berkeley修課期間我住在學校的宿舍—International House（I-House），宿舍生活佔了我日常生活中極大部分。該宿舍除提供給來自世界國際學生外，也有給拜訪學者、Berkeley在學學生，以及來自美國其他大學的學生。宿舍內設施完善—公共浴廁空間潔淨寬敞、圖書館古典與學術風氣濃厚、討論室與大廳設備古典和齊全、餐廳用餐環境古典莊嚴……等等。宿舍也定期舉辦各種免費活動：週三的Coffee Hour提供多種茶點讓各個「住戶」互相認識、交流；每一、兩週會有音樂會、研討會、電影分享會等活動。
在這種用心經營的環境下，住在I-House的生活就像是「活在世界的每個角落」—「不出門即能知天下事」，無時無刻被來自世界各地的語言、文化、人種包圍，彼此激盪出知識花火。透過英語或法語等其他彼此共通的語言，各個人種因這個環境而聚在一起，討論課業、學術、文化和政治等議題。就算本來有的價值觀也因為這種激盪而變的多元、因為看的多所以開放，且因為討論的多而開明。
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舊金山灣區（Bay Area）夏季氣候涼爽宜人，而鄰近海邊的Berkeley也在洋流影響下，氣候比台灣涼爽、乾燥許多。天氣晴朗時，天空湛藍；有時起霧也有另一番風貌。置身優美的UC Berkeley校園裡，不管是讀書求學問也好，還是運動健身，都是十分享受的一件事。 |
在這裡的校園生活中，我深刻體會到對知識應有的「尊重」和「平等」—求學問是因為「求知」而非「求職」；對待各個領域的知識一視同仁，並不依照冷、熱門程度分配資源。這種開放多元，卻不失學術風氣的學習環境是我在台灣所未見的—也是台灣高等教育中所缺乏的。若台灣的知名學府也能達成這目標，前進全球百大知名學府並不是夢。
整體研習心得：
台灣是個島國，而全球化是不可避免的過程。沒有豐富的天然資源、沒有優勢的國際政治地位，位於大陸邊陲的我們只有靠「走出去」才能讓世界「走進來」。在美國遇到很多來自地理情況與我國相近的「小國」如荷蘭、摩納哥，和黎巴嫩的學生，其用從容但開放的態度面對這個事實是值得學習的。即使國家不大、人民不多、市場不大、被「大國」環繞，但只要用開放但理智的態度來面對外在變遷，並積極地向外開拓視野，順著全球化的潮流培養國際視野、成為「國際人」，小國也能趁勝追擊。此計畫就是培養國際人才很好的方法，政府有這種開放的態度面對外在變遷，台灣的環境才能免於一攤死水。
建議事項：
針對今年度的計畫有以下三點可改進：
- 錄取名單可早點公佈—旅程早規劃、機票早下訂可降低交通費支出。
- 各駐點實習內容可統一—因實習內容依各駐外單位業務與人手多寡而定，各組的實習和參訪內容會因此有所差異。為保見習效率和提升實習效果，不妨考慮統一規定幾項必達事項（如參訪眾議員和議會、拜會市鎮長，等等）。我們舊金山組就因為駐外長官臨時有急事無法在美，再加上金山灣區為全美數一數二繁忙的華阜，外館無法即時詳細規劃活動和行程，造成我們實習內容比其他各組遜色許多。
- 華府大會師—華府大會師緊鄰學校的期末考，要準備考試、即時搬出宿舍（租屋處）、打包等瑣碎事情全都擠在一起。若能將華府大會師的時間移後幾天必能提高成效，駐外單位也有較多時間更嚴謹地安排大會師行程與時間表。
此外，對西岸的學員來說，要在規定的時間內準時抵達華府勢必要搭夜班飛機，而經過整夜的夜班飛機抵達機場時，卻發現仍須等四、五個小時才會有人員前來接機。到達會場後又發現活動是下午三點才開始，然而早到的學員無法回飯店休息只能在會場等候—這中間浪費了許多寶貴時間。甚至，西岸的學員大可不必搭夜班飛機趕著準時到達華府，因為活動是下午三點才開始。若一開始主辦單位方面能夠提供更多資訊、時間表抓的更緊更完善，大可避免眾多西岸學員的無意義等待。
又，華府大會師的實際效益並不大，感覺起來只是一場形式性的會議。若大會師的意義只在於讓長官和媒體聚在一起聽冗長的簡報，那是否可考慮改變大會師的形式呢？雖然主辦單位與駐外館處非常地熱心安排了眾多行程讓所有的學員在華府觀光，但觀光是大會師的主要目的嗎？我這提問並非否定觀光的價值，而是想了解大會師的真正目的。若大會師只是提供個場合和機會聽心得分享、觀光，那花大筆經費只因補助這趟的機票支出、食宿與交通安排，值得嗎？若能更詳細地錢盡其用，發揮其最大價值，更詳細地規劃行程，這趟華府大會師之旅必能更趨完善。
Annie Lennox - Why (Live At Live 8 London)
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why
I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let's go down to the water's edge
we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why
This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel
'cause i don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I fear
You don't know what I fear
"Nature is but an image or imitation of wisdom, the last thing of the soul."
-- Plotinus
